«Recently, my personal advisors have been telling me to go to America. Actually, people have been walking up to me in the street and telling me to sod off, but that's the same thing, isn't it?»

«To know that these intelligent, sensitive animals are mocked, poisoned and even intentionally brain damaged, makes me full of shame.»

«Anyone who saw the undercover work of the BUAV would be appalled and sickened to see the procedures we inflict on our next of kin in laboratories across the UK and in Europe,»

«It is no good for somebody in the entertainment business like myself to back romantic, telegenic causes abroad, such as jeopardised tribes' peoples, noble political prisoners, and cute, endangered animals, if you do not also try and do something for the homeless on your own streets. Even if those homeless are at times supremely unpicturesque, occasionally ignoble and not at all cute.»

«If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'»

«Stand-up has got harder. Now it's all pissed-up hen parties who don't give a monkey's about your routine on the IMF. In the Eighties, comedy really felt like an agent of the revolution.»

«If we look at the nation that President Bush leads, it also behaves in many ways like an addict. The United States is a gigantic John Candy of a country, straining its oversized elasticated pants from the Atlantic to the Pacific. The country is addicted to more or less everything, constantly craving greater and greater quantities of petrol, electricity, pointless sports, empty patriotism, fatty hormone-crammed meat, gigantic pedestrian-crushing four-wheel drive trucks, ever more baseball caps with nonsense written on them and unquestioning obedience from every nation on the planet.»